Day Twenty-Three: Shoes

To be honest, it's been a rough couple of days. Tired and lots on my mind, but I'm grateful for dear friends who have loved on me this week. I should note that it has been an incredible past couple of days too. My website launched and I posted my first wedding. It's crazy how life can be so muddy sometimes... so good and so bad all at the same time. 

Update

You may have noticed that this blog has got a lot of photos on it lately. Most are of people you probably don't even know. You're thinking to yourself, "I thought this was a blog about Sam and Bryan?!"

It still is, I promise.

Here's a little update for you: I have decided I to become a wedding and portrait photographer--this explains all the photo shoots lately =)

It's been quite a journey getting here. Many of you that know me, know that I have been so frustrated not knowing what exactly I wanted to do. It's not that I've lacked options, but rather I could not narrow down options. But if you don't mind, let me fill you in on what's been going on...

With ending my last semester of college, I was soon approaching my "future". This is what I had been waiting [and stressing] about for four years. But this semester I decided to be at peace with not knowing what I wanted to do. [You can read about this here.]  This process of being content where I am even with the uncertainty, opened my eyes to what I really wanted to pursue.

I reflect back on this whole process and it seems as if I was the last one to know that I should do photography. Everyone around me had encouraged me in one way or another to pursue it and I brushed it off.

I brushed it off for three reasons:

1. I thought I would never be as good as the professionals I respected.

2. I have a degree in Psychology. Surely, that has got to be a more stable career path.

3. I am a perfectionist when it comes to this kind of stuff. I will never be as good as what I want to be in my head.

But I am forever thankful to my family and friends, who have continued to plant seeds in my soul. To them I owe so much. My heart was closed to the idea of being a photographer and with every encouragement my heart began to open up.

I was talking to my family about how maybe I should have majored in Photography. I think I was too scared to pursue it. As if pursuing my dream of dreams and failing would be worse than not pursuing it at all. My mom asked, "Well, why don't you pursue it now?" I brushed it off saying, "Nah, I've spent four years getting a degree in Psych."

Later as a graduation present, my family gave me some of my dream camera equipment--camera and lenses that Bryan and I would never be able to afford.

In another instance, I had a friend say, "Sam, when I get married I want you to shoot my wedding." My response? "No way!" I wasn't that good at snapping photos. But that made me think, "What can I do to be as good as I want to be?" And I started reading my manual [a couple times over], testing my skills, reading anything I could get my hands on. During finals week alone, I read over a thousand pages on photography and practiced shooting.

For once in my life, I found something I couldn't get enough of. It's challenging. It's rewarding. I get to capture how beautiful people and their love have for each other is. And above all else, it makes me feel alive.

Photography has been healing to me in a way. It has given me confidence and it has pushed me to be myself. For years I have been denying myself this passion because I would never be as good a the bar that I've set for myself. Now that bar is still there, but I'm going for it. I'm just going to work hard, be myself, and hopefully people will want that.

With love,

Sam

** Thank you to all the people that saw something in me that I didn't see in myself. Your encouragements have meant more than you'll ever know.

How are your insides?

I like to ask this question with some of my closest friends. It gets to the point. Where is your heart? Are you filled with joy, sorrow, frustration? 

Sometimes I find myself asking this to everyone, but myself. So with the season of Fall--a busy season for both Bryan and I, I would love to tell you how my insides are. 

I'm in my last semester of undergrad, graduating with a degree in Psychology. This almost means nothing. With Psychology you need a master for your degree to mean anything. 

{on a side note: I went to the career center and looked at potential jobs for someone with a B.S. in Psych. I could be a manager, a waitress, a salesperson, a writer, on and on... Basically, all things I could have been without a degree. Great. Waitress. Really?} 

For someone that feels like school is lackluster to say the least, the thought of graduate school is overwhelming. Nonetheless I am considering it. But that is for a later post. 

I am anxious as I approach the "real world". Everyone around me has their future wrapped up into one word. For example, "farmer", "doctor", "psychologist", etc., etc... I have learned that's not me and I am trying to come to terms with that. I have never lacked ambition. There are so many things I want to do, but I was always looking for my one word future.

I mean how do you put all these interests into one career?

helping at risk children, sustainable agriculture, actively fighting racism, non-profit administration,  fund raising, organizing, biblical economics, horseback riding, empowerment, organizational psychology, holistic living, birthday bashes, reconstructing furniture, photography, taking in as many kids as possible, Biblical history, a house full of people, preserving culture, interior decorating, conflict resolution between and within countries, growing my own food and flowers, loving all things vintage and pretty and cheap, connecting the 1st world with the 3rd, making things from scratch, event planning, and fighting injustices.

I also wouldn't mind learning some wood working skills. Always thought it would be awesome to be a cabinet maker...

See! I am a mess of possibilities! 

My insides use to be in a constant state of turmoil because I just wanted my one word. I thought life would be better and simpler and more meaningful.  But God has been working on my heart. He has stretched me to see in this season of my life that just because I don't have my future figured out doesn't mean I am of no use. He has made me and designed me with these passions. I have purpose and will continue to be of value even if I don't single it down to a one word job. Because of this, I am in a season of peace and gratitude.

Realizing this {and re-realizing because I constantly forget} has opened me up to dream bigger than I have before. 

So what now, Sam? I've got some ideas, but like I said before, that's for a future post. Right now, I will finish my last semester out strong knowing that I have purpose and I have lots to offer this world. And so do you...just in case you forgot.

Much love,

Sam